Bad Therapy: Why the Kids Aren’t Growing Up
Continuing with a look at psychology, this week’s book is Bad Therapy: Why the Kids Aren’t Growing Up by Abigail Shrier.
Shrier starts her book with an anecdote about one of her own kids visit to urgent care when he came home from camp with a stomachache. And after a fairly simple diagnoses, the doctor sent in a nurse to do a private mental health screening with her 12-year-old child. Shrier did not take the bait and instead asked to see the questions that would be asked.
1. In the past few weeks, have you wished you were dead?
2. In the past few weeks, have you felt that you or your family would be better off if you were dead?
3. In the past week, have you been having thoughts about killing yourself?
4. Have you ever tried to kill yourself? If yes, how? When?
5. Are you having thoughts of killing yourself right now? If yes, please describe.
Like…. what the actual fuck?! Who asks a TWELVE-YEAR-OLD if they are planning suicide? Apparently, the National Institute of Mental Health…a government agency.
So, from there, Shrier jumps down the rabbit hole of mental health and how our kids are being “treated” by the “experts.” And yes, those are sarcastic quotes.
We move next into Iatrogenesis, which means literally originating with the healer. Physician caused harm. Iatrogenesis is something that medical doctors are legally required to disclose to you…adverse effects of treatment. Interestingly, this phenomenon is so well known that GOOD therapists will introduce the concept on day one, before you’re even a client. Good therapists will also start with an end goal. If you start counseling and the therapist does talk to you about what you think the end will be, when the therapy will end…. that’s a red flag. But a lot of therapists, do not want to admit that therapy…may not actually help anyone.
This book becomes ever more horrifying as Shrier walks you through the rabbit hole and you truly see what the other side of the looking glass looks like. It is dark. Shrier says Wanting to Help is NOT the Same as Helping. But those who THINK they are helping, are going to be extremely offended when you point out they are not.
So how did we get here? Parents are scared to parent. They’re so scared that they’re going to screw it up that they outsource the hard stuff to therapists. Aided significantly by schools, who staff more and more therapists for their students. So…yeah. Let’s get rid of the department of Education. Because the therapists they’ve been hiring En masse fall under the aegis of the Dept of Ed. And they are all too happy to diagnose your kid with SOMETHING.
I swear to God, while I was reading this book, I had so many South Park snips running through my mind. <Cartman’s Mom>.
One of the funniest episodes is where Cartman’s mom decides she is fed up with Cartman and needs help, so she goes on all these super nanny shows, only to have the super nanny’s fall to Cartman’s psychoses. So, she hire’s Caesar Milan. Fucking golden. Or how chef says parents should deal with ADHD…
And as Shrier discusses, the number one problem, the thing that causes social anxiety, and stress, and depression…. are smart phones. Only, therapists, the school therapists…who KNOW smart phones and social media are the number one problem, tell parents NOT to take the phones away. Because that can lead to isolation or something. You know what else is isolating? Posting something on social media that your classmates take offense to, thereby canceling you for the rest of your school career. She has a story in here where exactly that happened to more than one student.
And all this therapy and “Social Emotional Learning” which is supposed to teach empathy…is actually raising a literal generation of trained narcissists. No joke, I saw a Reddit story a few days ago where the poster was PROUD to be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. And kids these days are encouraged by school counselors and schoolteachers and then at home by their parents to think only of themselves. How does that make you feel? How are you feeling today?
Not just those questions, but they have kids answer survey questions in school. Questions like:
How lonely do you feel?
How supported do you feel?
How worried do you feel?
They have surveys that ask questions that are technically illegal to ask and track…they use the legal loophole…or fiction if you prefer…that since the surveys are 1. Voluntary and 2. Anonymous, no laws are actually being violated. The courts said so. Except…well tell me teachers don’t recognize the handwriting of their students? And what are the odds that when these surveys are handed out, the teacher actually says “hey, this is voluntary, you don’t actually have to do this if you don’t want to?” The good news is parents can opt their children out. If the parents know about it. Do you think the schools are asking parents permissions to send out these highly invasive and suggestive surveys?
After these introductory chapter, Shrier goes into Bad Therapy. How do we destroy a generation under the guise of helping them?
Teach them to pay close and unending attention to their feelings. Induce them to ruminate on ALL THE THINGS. “Being overly prone to talking about your emotional pain is itself a symptom of depression.” I mean. Good news for me. I HATE talking about my feelings. I prefer to drink them. Like a fucking adult.
Make happiness a goal but reward emotional suffering. How often have you had your kid tell you they had a bad day, and so you take them for ice cream? Affirm and Accommodate Kids Worries. Confirming for your kids that all their fears are reasonable, even when they are not, raises a generation of kids who are scared of their own shadows. Monitor your kids….at all times. Kids NEED time away from adults so that they learn to navigate the world on their own terms. But parents are so terrified that someone might hurt precious Johnny’s feelings that they watch every step their kids take, monitor everything they do, make play dates with kids their kids may not want to play with.
Dispense Diagnoses Liberally…like Oprah giving away Corollas…You get a diagnosis, and you get a diagnosis, and you get a diagnosis… Of course, once they’ve been diagnosed, they need drugs to treat them. Kids are entering their teenage years on anything from one to TEN prescription drugs. Encourage the kids to talk about their trauma… Because nothing says I’m over it like repeatedly ruminating on what went wrong. Encourage young adults to break contact with “toxic” family. Except…toxic might just mean that person isn’t bowing to the Princess of Narcissism. Create treatment dependency.
Shrier recounts tales of woe from Slate parenting…Slate is such a dumpster fire I was a little surprised to find out it’s still a thing. But what’s really sad is the absolute hopelessness of the parents who write to this. And the end result is that kids as young as three are exhibiting contempt for their parents. Like…ouch.
Contempt is rough. Once contempt enters a relationship, it’s essentially over. What would lead a 3-year-old to have contempt for their parents? How about the parents are not parenting. They are literally allowing the inmates to run the asylum, and even a three-year-old is well aware that this is a terrible idea, and they are ill-equipped to be in charge.
Shrier highlights decades old research that has born the test of time, that shows there are three parenting styles. Permissive, Authoritarian, and Authoritative. Permissive is where this book is. Permissive parents want their kids to like them. Can you really like someone you don’t respect? Because the stories in this book say no. Authoritarian…. that road leads to serial killers. My way or the highway is as much a failure of parenting as permissiveness is. The sweet spot is authoritative. There’s love there, but it’s clear the parents are in charge, and they will not brook disrespect. Authoritative is allowing your kids to fail, so that they can learn from it. It’s recognizing that anxiety and depression are a part of life, and medication for garden variety anxiety or depression is overkill. Shrier talked to one expert that says anxiety and depression are actually survival mechanisms we evolved with. And medicating those conditions out of your kids is not equipping them to survive in the wider world they are about to join as adults.
Now, all of this sounds truly dire and absolutely terrifying for future generations. But not all is lost. Shrier ends with a bit of white pill, explaining small things you can do…or rather NOT do….to get out of your kids way and let them find the world on their own. Stop making playdates for them. Stop micromanaging their homework schedule. Let them know they are responsible for getting their homework completed on time and turned in, and consequence for failing is all on them. When your kid reasonably asks to walk by themselves, let them. Reasonable in Shrier’s case was when her 9-year-old daughter asked to walk home from the bus stop after school by herself. Of course this is terrifying. 9 is so damn young! Even more terrifying is saying no and then finding that at 16 they don’t even want to get their drivers license because why bother? Then they’re 30 years old and still living at home.
This book was darkly fascinating. I think the really good news is that as alarming as some of the stories contained herein are, I think the vast majority of parents are doing just fine. The narcissistic little bastards being raised by school therapists and loosed on the world by parents who long ago ceded their own parenting ability to the Higher Authority of A Therapist. Shrier points out how devastating that is to kids. Not only is something wrong with them, it’s so wrong, mom can’t even fix it, she has to tap in a professional. Think twice before taking your kids to therapy. Take em out for an electronics detox by camping for a week. Better yet, send them to a sleep away camp to give them independence from mom and dad, and give you a break from them. You should like your kids. And they should like you. More importantly, they should respect you. Genuine respect, born of love. Not demanded because I’m mom, you will respect me. I’ve seen that…trust me, it doesn’t work.
There is so much more I could include here, because this was a truly excellent look into what the hell is going on with this generation, but that would leave you nothing to read. And if you are a parent, or want to be, you should definitely read this book.
